11 reasons Kakashi never healed
by whohasamonkey
Summary: 11 insights as to why Kakashi never fully healed. Please R&R. [Spoilers from Kakashi Gaiden]
1. Reason 1: Seeing Oneself

**Written for the 11 reasons community**_  
Table 1 - #1 eyes/sight_

**Character** – Hatake Kakashi  
**Title** – Seeing oneself  
**Rated** - PG  
**Warnings **– Spoilers from the Kakashi Gaiden and beyond. Also unbeta'd because my beta was eaten by the nursing program.  
**Disclaimer** – I don't own Kakashi or any of the Naruto characters. If I did Kakashi would be a stripper.

--

It seemed so simple at first. Just accept the gift. It was rude to deny a gift. But how was Kakashi supposed to know the long terms effects of what at the moment seemed like a great idea. Who was he to tell a dying boy, no a dying man, that it was a stupid idea.

Taking the gift was the least he could do.

So he took it.

There is not a day that goes by that he doesn't remember. He remembers the pain, and the way no one made a sound. He remembers seeing the world in a way he never knew possible for the first time. He was amazed at how easy it was to use. For a moment he thought to himself, "I am worthy of this." He wanted to kill himself a moment later for thinking that.

The first couple weeks were hard. He broke every reflective surface in the house. Looking at himself was a constant reminder of who he had lost and how much he had lost. But as the years passed it became easier to look at himself. His eyes reflected who he was and why.

One side was himself. Follow the rules. Never stray from the mission. Be as strong as you can, then surpass it. This was him. This was his father. This was who he always wanted to be.

The other side was _him_. Do anything you can to protect your friends. Sacrifice no one to the mission. Don't be trash. This was not him. This was also his father. Which took him years to truly understand.

There are times he looks at his eyes and he wants to rip one out. The problem isn't that he can't do it. Oh no he has it in him to do it. The problem is he can't decide which eye to rip out.


	2. Reason 2: Hand full of memories

**Written for the 11 reasons community**_  
Table 1 - #7 Arms/Hands/Fingers_

**Character** – Hatake Kakashi  
**Title** – Hand full of memories  
**Rated** - PG  
**Warnings **– Spoilers from the Kakashi Gaiden and beyond. Also unbeta'd because my beta was eaten by the nursing program.  
**Disclaimer** – I don't own Kakashi or any of the Naruto characters. If I did Kakashi would be a stripper.

--

The first time he used the Chidori in battle, he almost died had it not been for his sensei. The second time he used it, he was able to seek revenge for his friend.

Or so he thought.

Every single time he used the technique his fingers would tingle for hours. Kakashi would sit, stand or run, depending on the situation, and the memories would start to come to the surface. He would remember what the weather was like on that day. He would remember how little pain he was in. He would remember hearing the screams of his comrades. But mostly he would remember how his arm, hand and fingers felt.

They tingled, and vibrated and burned. Not from the immense power he was holding. No they tingled with revenge. Someone had to pay for what happened. Someone had to die. And someone did die that day at his hand. Yet as the years passed his hands never stopped tingling. When he asked Sasuke how his hand felt afterwards he was surprised.

"It goes numb, but as soon as I use the jutsu I feel fine."

His hand would hurt for hours. It was then he began to realize. It was not revenge that made his hand tingle, or his arm hurt. It was not revenge that allowed him the ability to use his power this way. It was _him_. He was there, in his hand every single time. And Kakashi knew why.

Without his help the Chidori would not exist. If the Chidori did not exist, Obito wouldn't be cheering for Kakashi every time he used it.


	3. Reason 3: The Good Son

**Written for the 11 reasons community**_  
__Table 2 – 21. Rage/Anger_

**Character** – Hatake Kakashi  
**Title** – The Good Son  
**Rated** - G  
**Warnings **– Spoilers from the Kakashi Gaiden and beyond. Also unbeta'd because my beta was eaten by the nursing program.  
**Disclaimer** – I don't own Kakashi or any of the Naruto characters. If I did Kakashi would be a stripper.

--

--

It took him years to really understand it all. He had to lose his friends, his sensei, his teammates, his sanity to really understand why his father did what he did. When he finally understood he was consumed with so much rage he killed every single enemy that crossed his path.

Afterward when he stood before the monument and reflected upon his newfound knowledge the anger returned. His father failed a mission to save his comrades. Comrades that eventually turned their back on his father. Comrades whose names are etched on the monument; unlike his father's name.

Kakashi suppressed the urge to Chidori his fathers name into the stone.

He had wasted years being angry at his father. His father was disgraced. His father made the fire country suffer a great lose. His father sacrificed everything to save his friends. His father was not trash. His father was a respected hero. A fallen hero. And Kakashi never knew it.

But now, as an adult he understands. There is a way to fulfill ones mission without being trash. But instead of defending his father, or following his fathers footsteps, he denounced him. Maybe if he had understood why his father did what he did so many years ago, all his friends would be alive. Maybe he wouldn't be known as the Copy Ninja.

Anger filled his again. He could have realized the truth as a child and grown up to be a well-respected ninja. Or he could have gone down the path he was on now and be known throughout the lands as someone to fear.

He wasn't angry because he felt he made the wrong decision. No, he was angry because he was selfish. He wanted people to know his name and fear him. Because without all the death in his life he wouldn't be who he was today. He was angry because if he could do it all over again, he would be mad at his father for disgracing Konoha.

He was angry because he wasn't a good son and he would never be.


	4. Reason 4: Seeing oneself

**Written for the 11 reasons community**_  
Table 2 - #22 Meloncholy/Sadness_

**Character** – Hatake Kakashi  
**Title** – Seeing oneself  
**Rated** - PG  
**Warnings **– Spoilers from the Kakashi Gaiden and beyond. Also unbeta'd because my beta was eaten by the nursing program.  
**Disclaimer** – I don't own Kakashi or any of the Naruto characters. If I did Kakashi would be a stripper.

* * *

When he first became a teacher he had hoped it would help erase his past sins. He hoped to find a student to pass on his will of fire.

In Sasuke he saw himself. Someone who had lost everyone; someone who had suffered at the hands of others. He had hoped to open his eyes and see that there was more to life than sadness. Killing Itachi would not bring him happiness, or make the pain go away. It would not leave him satisfied.

He knew from experience.

But instead Sasuke turned his back on the village, on his friends, on _them_.

Naruto believed he could bring him back home. That he could find him in the darkness that surrounded Sasuke. For a long time he believed Naruto. Who wouldn't? But that all changed.

The moment he saw Sakura try to kill Sasuke, he knew. Sakura saw it the way he did; there was no coming back for Sasuke. He had to die. It was the only way.

The day that Naruto saw that too would be a tragically sad day.

He hoped Naruto never saw things the way he did. He would do everything in his power to ensure that that.


	5. Reason 5: Characters

**Written for the 11 reasons community**_  
Table 3 - #27 book/story/poem_

**Character** – Hatake Kakashi  
**Title** – Characters  
**Rated** - PG  
**Warnings **– Spoilers from the Kakashi Gaiden and beyond. Also unbeta'd because my beta was eaten by the nursing program.  
**Disclaimer** – I don't own Kakashi or any of the Naruto characters. If I did Kakashi would be a stripper.

* * *

There weren't many reasons why he read the Icha Icha books. His favorite reason was to freak out his students. Let them think he was simple minded or a pervert. Let the rumors about this one indulgence spread. It would make people think he was stupid or weak.

That would be their first mistake and his greatest advantage.

But there was one overarching reason he read the books that he didn't tell anyone about. Jiraya may have known, but he never said anything about it.

The characters in the books were true heroes. They lived their lives a way he could never live. They would over an obstacle, any sadness, anything and save the day. They would overcome their past transgressions and find peace. They would always get the girl.

He accomplished none of the things the characters in the books did. He would not, could not, overcome anything of his past transgressions, obstacles, or sadness. He would never have the girl. He would never save the day or find peace.

For the longest time he would tell himself that no one like those characters in the book really existed. They were all imaginary people, living by a code no one could. Then he met the one person named after one of the characters and all of his defenses crumbled. He realized he was just making up excuses to compensate for his own shortcomings.

That character was Naruto.


	6. Reason 6: Mask

**Written for the 11 reasons community**_  
Table 3 - #32 clothes/accessory_

**Character** – Hatake Kakashi  
**Title** – Mask  
**Rated** - PG  
**Warnings **– Spoilers from the Kakashi Gaiden and beyond. Also unbeta'd because my beta was eaten by the nursing program.  
**Disclaimer** – I don't own Kakashi or any of the Naruto characters. If I did Kakashi would be a stripper.

* * *

His first memory of wearing a mask was when he was five. Someone said he had a cute face. He thought they were insulting him so he wore the mask. He only wore it sparingly then.

After his father's suicide that changed. He overheard someone say he looked like his father. From that moment on no one was allowed to see his face uncovered. He was ashamed of his father and his features. Even the women he brought home weren't allowed to look.

As he got older and realized who his father truly was, his reasons for keeping the mask on changed. He knew he looked like his father, but he felt unworthy of it. He was not worthy of his father's nose, lips, chin, and jawline. So instead he hid them from himself.

It wasn't until he went to the Sand and the old woman called him the White Fang that he realized. He couldn't hide from his father. He had his eyes, his hair, his body structure. He came out in other ways.

He could never hide from his unworthiness.


End file.
